Friday, June 20, 2008

The Well June 19, 2008

Last night The Well met. I always enjoy hearing an adoption story, with this new story I was told there is much pain. I always feel the pain of others very much and in this situation I wish that I could do something. I wish that there were more politicians that were involved and making changes beneficial for all parts of the triad that are involved in adoption. I wish that there were more people out there to help birth mothers psychologically through -- to help them find peace at least. This is the reason I started The Well -- Women Engage Living Love -- is to help women find peace to cover all the pain that comes with being a birth mother, I find I want to do so much more to change societies view of the birth mother. I was reminded last night that we are so much more than birth mothers, we are first mothers. This is very true. The definition of a mother is exactly what we are. However, this does not end with placement. The love does not mystically end, like society thinks. In any other circumstance a woman being torn from her child would break all of our hearts. Again there really is no difference here. As birth mothers our child is in a way being torn from our arms. In adoption we do not use those terms but the emotions are the same, at least very similar. We do not stop thinking of our child nor do we "get over it," or "move on." Coping mechanisms kick in as we try to "move on." Our role transforms from mother to stranger in many cases. When I say stranger I don't necessarily mean complete stranger but someone you see once or twice a year, you don't really know them. The transformation really changes you sometimes completely. Many women are not the women they were before giving birth to this precious child. Things change, we see life through different eyes. First mothers, that is what we are, the one who loves our child first, the one who cares for our child first, the one who never stops doing either of these. Webster states mother as: maternal tenderness or affection, as well as the female parent.
When I think of just how much I can see that my sons parents love them, it amazes me, but I then think to myself, "I love these boys so much more" -- and is that possible? I hesitate to write that out because I don't see how the adoptive parents could possibly love my boys more than they do, they love them "all of it" I know they do. I don't want to write more on this so I have to just stop here.
A First mother's love can not end.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Hope vs. Faith

How do these differ?
Hope vs Faith

I don't have an answer to this question but I do have an example.
Maybe when hope ends faith steps in.
Maybe when hope dwindles faith continues.
I'm not sure.

I know I had some friends that are married to each other. Lets just call them Sleeping Beauty and Prince Charming for this story. They have been trying to have a child for about two and a half years and were told that they never would, so they began the adoption process through New Life Family Services in Mn, the finished the process and were called for a placement. They had to deny because it was just too soon. This Sunday they went to the front of the church and told us all that they are two months pregnant. I could not hold back the tears of excitement for them. How great is our God?

Is it possible God had to prepare them to be better parents? Could it be that so many couples looking into adoption get pregnant only after they have gone through the entire adoption process, because parenting is a huge responsibility, God wants them to be prepared to raise his child. The adoption process is rigorous, I think everyone should have to go through it before they are allowed to raise children. I am not saying that Sleeping Beauty and Prince Charming needed this, but I am saying that much of society should not have children, they do not know the blessing that they have received. Society is unprepared for what it takes to raise a child in the ways of the Lord, as I often say, "these are not our children, we have been given the blessing of parenting them. All the children are the Lords, he is trusting us.... us to be the best parents for them."
Sleeping Beauty is feeling better the morning sickness has already passed, as far as we can tell.
As fairy tales go, I wish you could have seen their faces when they announced their pregnancy - the joy was overwhelming, they will live happily ever after.
ok, ok, I know the story is just beginning, but God's timing is perfect, and they are prepared, God has blessed another couple and untrusted them with his child.

Hope and Faith --
These are both words I would use when talking about this fairy tale couple. When hope faded, faith stood strong. I do not believe that hope was ever lost, and maybe at one point hope changed it's focus, from being biological parents to just being parents. It seems when we give it all to the Lord, he gives us the desires of our hearts.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Thinking of my Boys

Today I began to pray, as I do each day when I enter highway 169 going south, for my children. It was my boys that were heavy on my mind. I began to wonder how is it possible that I placed two children for adoption, I wondered how it is possible for any mother to do so. Then I wondered how anyone believes that I do not love those boys. I can not express how much I love them, not that I loved them so much, but that I do love them so much. Its the same with my daughter that I am parenting when I tell her I love her to the sun, I love her to the moon, I love her to the stars and finally I love her all of it and I just can't stop. I love my boys the same. Most often when I think about them I just force myself to stop because it hurts so much, and really there is no explanation for the pain, I can not tell you what it feels like, or what is wrong. It just hurts so so very deep. I don't take the time, maybe I should, but I don't to just cry and feel the pain. Instead I stop thinking about the boys and what they are doing this very moment, who they are becoming and what I have missed. I turn my thoughts to other things, that are far more meaningless to occupy my mind. There is no love like a mothers and now I think that I can grasp that. I know when I was younger, I thought that my mom's love could only go so far. {you know in the movies and I guess in real life when parents disown their children for menial things like getting pregnant before marriage, or being gay, or some other unforgivable sin, it seemed a mothers love stops somewhere along those lines.} But now I know it does not, I don't know how those mothers do it, how they live with themselves when they disown their kids. {and by the way that's definitely a bigger sin than the child could have ever committed.} My mother is a great example of a mothers love, what I have put the woman through and she continues to love me and be there for me through it all. Most importantly she prays for me. I have veered off track. See this is what I do to get my mind off the pain of taking time to think of my boys. Will they ever really know or understand this love I have for my precious boy?