Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Today
Today I am so grateful to the wonderful people that adopted my boys. I am thankful for the unexplainable love I can see that they have for the boys. I am thankful for the way that they are raising the boys, for who the boys are becoming, for the life they are giving the boys. I am so grateful to God for making my heart peaceful about it all. I am whats the word I am looking for? I am happy for their perfect family that God built with His perfect hands.
Joy's Story -- Repost
I am a Birth mother, first mother, or natural mother. Whatever word you use, I am a woman that has place a child for adoption; actually two of my children were placed for adoption. Here is my story. I was a virgin until I was 21, when I decided that I would give my greatest gift to my dearest friend. That's right we were friends at the time. A year later I was pregnant. I knew that very moment that I was pregnant. I was very careful; I was on birth control, spermicide and condoms -- well most of the time. One night shortly after the moment I realized I was pregnant and taking a pregnancy test to verify it, I had a dream. In the dream I thought the youth pastor of my church and his wife were looking into adoption and they would want to adopt my child. After waking in the morning I dismissed the idea thinking "you know they work with the youth group they don't want to have little kids." I went upstairs to eat breakfast; it was almost noon by this time. After breakfast I went to get the mail where there was a newsletter from my church, (that I don't normally read) by this time there was no other mail for me so I opened the church newsletter to find a half page article on the Youth Pastor and his wife. I thought that was interesting so I began to read it. The article talked about them individually and then as a couple and then it read "Dave and Vicki have started the adoption process and are looking forward to adopting children" so that sealed the deal for me. I knew God had put them in my dream and had put the newsletter in my hand for this moment.
I had to tell the birth father, we'll call him Mike, that I wanted to place this child with Dave and Vicki. Dave was also his youth pastor as well. Mike wanted to be the one to ask Dave. So they went out for ice cream together (they were good friends) one evening and Mike asked Dave if he would parent our child. He agreed excitedly, but then stopped a moment to say, "I have to talk it over with Vicki," while trying to restrain his excitement.
Shortly after that the four of us met together. Dave and Vicki had already been working with an organization called New Life Family Services, so we decided we would just go there. I had done fund raisers as a young girl for this organization, so I knew about them. I began meeting with a social worker, just to validate my decision, that it was my own decision and that it really was what was best for me and for the child. The organization was willing to help me either way, whatever decision I would have made, if I would have decided to parent they would have helped me find a way, but I was set on placing this child for adoption, I mean could God have made it any more clear that I was just the means by which to get Dave and Vicki this child to raise. Throughout my pregnancy the child rarely moved, I know this was a blessing from God so that I did not bond with him as much as other mothers do. The day came much faster than I thought it would. Giving birth was terrible, he would not come out, the doctors had to do so much, it took 11 hours. Finally the last push came and he was out. They had to take him right away to help him breath. Then I held him. Beautiful Terrell Michael, nine pounds eleven ounces. He could barely cry because of the traumatic delivery. I did not really know what to do. Mike was there so we just tried to figure it out. My best friend and cousin, Laura was by my side through it all, supporting me, when I changed my mind back and forth, and physically exhausted her as she helped me through the delivery. Laua was there to help me when I did not know what to do for this brand new child. My family came in the room to meet Terrell, and to hold him. Then I called Dave and Vicki. They came to the hospital to meet him as well. I stayed at the hospital for 3 days with Terrell and Mike came to be with me. On the third day Dave and Vicki came back, as well as my family, my parents and my brothers and my sister-in-law, and the head pastor of our church. I went to take a shower before the placement ceremony. This is when it hit me. I am placing this child into the arms of another to raise him. To trust them to be better than I would have been and to show him who God is. Wow. It hit hard, I was crying uncontrollably, I had never cried like that before or since. I had to gasp for air. I finished showering and went back to my room where Mike was waiting for me. I walked in the room and Mike asked if I was ok, I nodded yeah, but I could not speak, the tears welled up again. I began to cry gently this time, but still I could not control it nor could I stop. Mike them told me that if it hurt me this much we could not place Terrell and we could parent instead. I said "we have to place him, God made him for Dave and Vicki to parent." I truly believed it then and I do now.
Mike comforted me; I got myself together and pack up to leave. I wanted to leave as soon as the ceremony ended. We all headed to the hospital chapel and there beautiful words were said, I don't remember any of it except the part where I held Terrell close until the moment Mike kissed him and we - together- placed him in the arms of Vicki and Dave, and hugged them both so tightly that it hurt. That was the moment Terrell Michael became Theodore (Theo) James.
Much of society believes the pain stops here, this is where the story ends. Let me tell you it does not stop nor did it end that day. I thought about Theo everyday. He was born December 4th and my birthday was December 24th. Not to mention Christmas coming soon. I don't remember much family get togethers that year. I think everyone just acted like nothing ever happened. I applied to go to a college in Arizona to get away from my life and friends here in Minnesota. By this time I was in love with Mike, but thought it was best for me to leave. We could both move on. Just two weeks before the next semester started I applied. My mom decided to drive down with me to Phoenix, to the college, I did not yet know if I was accepted, it was not until we got half way to Arizona that I called the school to find out that I was accepted and my financial aid went through. So we continued our drive to Arizona, class started in just two days. My first semester was wonderful, I lived on campus at this Conservative Baptist Christian College, pretty much in a protective bubble. I worked on my relationship with God and grew very close to him, yet there was this part of me that would not accept his Grace and forgiveness. It would ultimately take me six years to accept and receive God's grace and forgiveness. I made just a few great friends while I was there then I came home for the summer. Mike actually flew down to drive home with me. We did not get too far, when things started up between us again. I was hoping we would have lost interest in each other, during my semester in Arizona I prayed everyday that God would change my heart so that all my feelings for Mike would fade and be no longer, but we were still very interested in each other when I returned to Minnesota. Mike ended up going to Arizona and to my college in the fall. We played it off like we were just best friends, but by the end of the year I was pregnant again. Kaleb Walter was born 24 months and twenty four days after Theo in Scottsdale Arizona. Let me step back a little. I went home pregnant that summer. I became extremely depressed, I was hospitalized with dehydration because of morning sickness, then went home with my mom and lay in bed for three months, my legs did not hardly work the day I decided to get up. Why did I decide to get up, well my older brother stopped by the house and after talking for a while, he said "you are depressed and you need to get over it." He suggested changing my environment. I moved back to Arizona, not for school, but moved in with a friend. I was beginning to show so I had to move out soon, because I did not want to tell this friend that I was pregnant. I found a job, and an apartment. I just lived and worked until Kaleb was born. I did not want to place Kaleb for adoption but I thought he should be with his brother and my reasons for placing Theo had not changed so I just did it, with the support of Mike. By this time Mike and I had begun growing apart. I flew back to Minnesota with my little six day old baby. This delivery was easy. Just two pushes and he was out. My little six pound boy. On Kaleb's eighth day we had a Entrustment ceremony with my family, Mike, Dave and Vicki, this is where Kaleb Walter became Andrew (Drew) Douglas. It was nice. I watched them drive away, my heart broken, and peaceful.
Now Dave and Vicki have 7 and 5 year old boys that I love with all my heart. That they love with all of their hearts. I often wish that I could have been the boys mother, but I know God has made Vicki into an amazing mom, and Dave into the father that they need. Because of this I have Peace. I have peace no matter the pain. I know that I will have this pain covered in peace for the rest of my life. It is a pain that I am contented to wear. I get to play with the boys at least once a year which is one of my greatest joys in my life. Thank goodness there is a God that keeps his promises; to give peace that surpasses all understanding, this the promise he has kept for me.
Still my journey continues just 16 months after Drew was placed I was giving birth again to Mikayla Tarea a seven pound nine ounce baby girl. Mike and I had completely dissolved by the time I was giving birth into less than friends. This time I could not place the child, I thought I could and that I should, but it was days after her birth that I had to make a decision. Was I going to place her with Dave and Vicki too, as they would be honored to have her, or would I parent? I decided to parent. I did not feel God guiding this decision, was he just letting me decide this time, and he would make the best out of what ever decision I made? I don't know, and I won't know. But Mikayla is a blessing, she holds my heart and I don't think I could love anyone more. The boys and Mikayla will always be my most treasured relationships and I thank God for allowing all of this in my life. I am now growing daily in Him and have thirst to know him more and to love others on his behalf. Thanks for taking time to read my story and I would love to take time to hear yours. You can respond here or email me at TheWell@live.com or even just give me a call 763-232-0487. My name is Joy. If you are thinking about adoption I am willing to talk to you about that, and some options that you have in choosing to place or to parent. Blessings ~ Joy
I had to tell the birth father, we'll call him Mike, that I wanted to place this child with Dave and Vicki. Dave was also his youth pastor as well. Mike wanted to be the one to ask Dave. So they went out for ice cream together (they were good friends) one evening and Mike asked Dave if he would parent our child. He agreed excitedly, but then stopped a moment to say, "I have to talk it over with Vicki," while trying to restrain his excitement.
Shortly after that the four of us met together. Dave and Vicki had already been working with an organization called New Life Family Services, so we decided we would just go there. I had done fund raisers as a young girl for this organization, so I knew about them. I began meeting with a social worker, just to validate my decision, that it was my own decision and that it really was what was best for me and for the child. The organization was willing to help me either way, whatever decision I would have made, if I would have decided to parent they would have helped me find a way, but I was set on placing this child for adoption, I mean could God have made it any more clear that I was just the means by which to get Dave and Vicki this child to raise. Throughout my pregnancy the child rarely moved, I know this was a blessing from God so that I did not bond with him as much as other mothers do. The day came much faster than I thought it would. Giving birth was terrible, he would not come out, the doctors had to do so much, it took 11 hours. Finally the last push came and he was out. They had to take him right away to help him breath. Then I held him. Beautiful Terrell Michael, nine pounds eleven ounces. He could barely cry because of the traumatic delivery. I did not really know what to do. Mike was there so we just tried to figure it out. My best friend and cousin, Laura was by my side through it all, supporting me, when I changed my mind back and forth, and physically exhausted her as she helped me through the delivery. Laua was there to help me when I did not know what to do for this brand new child. My family came in the room to meet Terrell, and to hold him. Then I called Dave and Vicki. They came to the hospital to meet him as well. I stayed at the hospital for 3 days with Terrell and Mike came to be with me. On the third day Dave and Vicki came back, as well as my family, my parents and my brothers and my sister-in-law, and the head pastor of our church. I went to take a shower before the placement ceremony. This is when it hit me. I am placing this child into the arms of another to raise him. To trust them to be better than I would have been and to show him who God is. Wow. It hit hard, I was crying uncontrollably, I had never cried like that before or since. I had to gasp for air. I finished showering and went back to my room where Mike was waiting for me. I walked in the room and Mike asked if I was ok, I nodded yeah, but I could not speak, the tears welled up again. I began to cry gently this time, but still I could not control it nor could I stop. Mike them told me that if it hurt me this much we could not place Terrell and we could parent instead. I said "we have to place him, God made him for Dave and Vicki to parent." I truly believed it then and I do now.
Mike comforted me; I got myself together and pack up to leave. I wanted to leave as soon as the ceremony ended. We all headed to the hospital chapel and there beautiful words were said, I don't remember any of it except the part where I held Terrell close until the moment Mike kissed him and we - together- placed him in the arms of Vicki and Dave, and hugged them both so tightly that it hurt. That was the moment Terrell Michael became Theodore (Theo) James.
Much of society believes the pain stops here, this is where the story ends. Let me tell you it does not stop nor did it end that day. I thought about Theo everyday. He was born December 4th and my birthday was December 24th. Not to mention Christmas coming soon. I don't remember much family get togethers that year. I think everyone just acted like nothing ever happened. I applied to go to a college in Arizona to get away from my life and friends here in Minnesota. By this time I was in love with Mike, but thought it was best for me to leave. We could both move on. Just two weeks before the next semester started I applied. My mom decided to drive down with me to Phoenix, to the college, I did not yet know if I was accepted, it was not until we got half way to Arizona that I called the school to find out that I was accepted and my financial aid went through. So we continued our drive to Arizona, class started in just two days. My first semester was wonderful, I lived on campus at this Conservative Baptist Christian College, pretty much in a protective bubble. I worked on my relationship with God and grew very close to him, yet there was this part of me that would not accept his Grace and forgiveness. It would ultimately take me six years to accept and receive God's grace and forgiveness. I made just a few great friends while I was there then I came home for the summer. Mike actually flew down to drive home with me. We did not get too far, when things started up between us again. I was hoping we would have lost interest in each other, during my semester in Arizona I prayed everyday that God would change my heart so that all my feelings for Mike would fade and be no longer, but we were still very interested in each other when I returned to Minnesota. Mike ended up going to Arizona and to my college in the fall. We played it off like we were just best friends, but by the end of the year I was pregnant again. Kaleb Walter was born 24 months and twenty four days after Theo in Scottsdale Arizona. Let me step back a little. I went home pregnant that summer. I became extremely depressed, I was hospitalized with dehydration because of morning sickness, then went home with my mom and lay in bed for three months, my legs did not hardly work the day I decided to get up. Why did I decide to get up, well my older brother stopped by the house and after talking for a while, he said "you are depressed and you need to get over it." He suggested changing my environment. I moved back to Arizona, not for school, but moved in with a friend. I was beginning to show so I had to move out soon, because I did not want to tell this friend that I was pregnant. I found a job, and an apartment. I just lived and worked until Kaleb was born. I did not want to place Kaleb for adoption but I thought he should be with his brother and my reasons for placing Theo had not changed so I just did it, with the support of Mike. By this time Mike and I had begun growing apart. I flew back to Minnesota with my little six day old baby. This delivery was easy. Just two pushes and he was out. My little six pound boy. On Kaleb's eighth day we had a Entrustment ceremony with my family, Mike, Dave and Vicki, this is where Kaleb Walter became Andrew (Drew) Douglas. It was nice. I watched them drive away, my heart broken, and peaceful.
Now Dave and Vicki have 7 and 5 year old boys that I love with all my heart. That they love with all of their hearts. I often wish that I could have been the boys mother, but I know God has made Vicki into an amazing mom, and Dave into the father that they need. Because of this I have Peace. I have peace no matter the pain. I know that I will have this pain covered in peace for the rest of my life. It is a pain that I am contented to wear. I get to play with the boys at least once a year which is one of my greatest joys in my life. Thank goodness there is a God that keeps his promises; to give peace that surpasses all understanding, this the promise he has kept for me.
Still my journey continues just 16 months after Drew was placed I was giving birth again to Mikayla Tarea a seven pound nine ounce baby girl. Mike and I had completely dissolved by the time I was giving birth into less than friends. This time I could not place the child, I thought I could and that I should, but it was days after her birth that I had to make a decision. Was I going to place her with Dave and Vicki too, as they would be honored to have her, or would I parent? I decided to parent. I did not feel God guiding this decision, was he just letting me decide this time, and he would make the best out of what ever decision I made? I don't know, and I won't know. But Mikayla is a blessing, she holds my heart and I don't think I could love anyone more. The boys and Mikayla will always be my most treasured relationships and I thank God for allowing all of this in my life. I am now growing daily in Him and have thirst to know him more and to love others on his behalf. Thanks for taking time to read my story and I would love to take time to hear yours. You can respond here or email me at TheWell@live.com or even just give me a call 763-232-0487. My name is Joy. If you are thinking about adoption I am willing to talk to you about that, and some options that you have in choosing to place or to parent. Blessings ~ Joy
Before Becoming a Birthmother - First-mother
Before Becoming a Birthmother / First-mother
I want to take my story back so you can know me a little better.
I was born to a loving and kind mother, who stayed at home to raise me and my brothers and a hard working father who traveled and provided for his family. Things took a turn when I was a child when my father was laid off from his career and money now became an issue. However when I look back I am grateful for that change, and how God’s plan is not always what we expect or want at the time. So my mother had to get a job, so she did. Life changed from carefree to a bit uptight. Even through this time there was not much that we as kids missed out on – at least that we could tell. We were always in after school sports and city sports and church activities. We always had tennis shoes to wear and my parents took time to help us with homework. We went on small vacations as well, even if it was camping or going to Iowa to visit family, we loved it as kids.
In Jr. High I loved sports, I was on the swim team/ diving team, I played volleyball and basket ball, I ran track and field – long jump- and not only did I play basketball for school but played on the guys league Thursday nights at church and on the girls league on Monday nights with the church. I loved my friends and loved Jesus. I wanted all my friends to love Jesus as well, so I would often bring friends to church events and hangout times. I just loved being with people. In high school, things changed a little I was no longer a “Jesus freak” which I had been called in Jr. High (and liked it) but I still wanted my friends to love Jesus, but found another way of going about it. I found out that my actions speak much louder than my words and friends would ask why I don’t “swear” and that would give me the opportunity to tell them about the God that I loved, or they would ask why I didn’t do so many of the things that many high schoolers do. I found that loving people and accepting them for who they are is important. After graduation I went to Paraguay to teach the people about AIDS, how to brush their teeth and give them tooth brushes, to give immunizations and to share God’s love with not only the people that lived there but with “my partners” that were not Christians. This experience was wonderful while at the time it was very hard to be surrounded by no one that was In Love with Jesus. It seemed that I was the only one in the town that I was in that really had a personal relationship with Jesus. Much of the religion was simply tradition, nothing we based on a personal relationship with Jesus, so as I struggled with the language to talk to my new friends about Jesus, I hope a few of them heard the words that God wanted them to hear. I don’t know if I will ever know in this life if my dear Paraguayan friends met and know the Lord. Paraguay was a wonderful experience in my life and God used that time to mold me and grow me. I learned that we are all so precious to Him, that we can live on so much less than we have here in the USA, people and relationships are so much more important than a time schedule. (this is the motto of Paraguay – to show up when you can, because it is important to finish your conversation with the person you are with before moving on—so sometimes when we had a scheduled activity countrymen would arrive up to three hours late.)
After returning from Paraguay most of my friends went off to four year Colleges while I went to the community college because I had no idea what I wanted to do, nor did I even want to be in college, but went to make my mom happy. At this time I also began to work with the Jr. High girls at the church. I started with the sixth grade girls. In December I started a job with a Bank near my home in Robbinsdale, MN. I continued to live with my parents being that all my money was going to fun things with the youth group girls, and traveling a lot. I grew to love the girls more than I would ever have expected, I continued to work with them for the next few years, and there was nothing I would have rather done than to be with “my girls.” Almost every weekend we would do something fun, have a sleepover, go out together, anything as long as it was together. These girls were my life. All my spare time and money was invested in these wonderful girls. When I was 20 I had met a guy and started a friendship with him, he would come to the church to play basketball, and I would end up giving him and some of his friends a ride home after since I lived the closest. I dropped him off last since he lived the closest to me, so I asked him one day if we could pray and what could I pray for him about. So we did this every time I dropped him off. I wanted him to know and love Jesus as I did. Then a Wednesday morning before school prayer time started up at the church and he and his friends wanted to go, and who am I to say no to these guys growing in God, so three to four of the guys would spend the night in my basement so that they could go with me in the morning to this prayer. It was one of these nights when I went out into family room where they were suppose to be sleeping to tell them to be quite. I stayed out there so that they would be quiet, when HE kissed me as I was nearly asleep, I should have punched him in the face, instead I kissed him back and this is where our relationship changed from good friends to something more.
He and I continued to pray when I would drop him off after basketball at church, but then we began to kiss for hours on end. I was no longer in college because I did not know what I was there for, I was now working full time at the bank, however I transferred to another location. After this we became closer and closer friends plus whatever more it was. Six months later is when we made the decision as friends that really love each other – only friends – that we would give the greatest gift to each other, that is what I was taught in the high school youth group. I did think it through, I thought I don’t believe that I will ever marry, and as I was taught in the youth group again, that premarital sex would really effect my future marriage in a terrible way, I did not have to worry about it because I do not believe that I will marry. If that makes any sense at all. I wanted him to know that I loved him and so this is a way I could do that. We were clearly not in love with each other but I loved him. So my story moves on, nearly a year later I look into his face and tell him we are going to have a child. The story continues in my previous blog entry.
The point of this story is that I truly loved Jesus, I loved my friends and wanted to live for God, when this slipped in. Something I would never have done, “my girls” would have vouched for me that I would never have had premarital sex, or even marital sex. So how did this happen? When I was living for God, my relationship was closer than it had even been in my life, when he kissed me. I was painfully devastated at the sin of disobeying God, and was unable to except his grace or reconcile this for the next almost 7 years. My conclusion to why this happened is that I was living for God and making moves for him, teaching “my girls” how to love him and others as he commands, and temptation slipped in, I was warned by my dear friend to turn, to run from it, but I thought I was strong enough to move through it. When the reality is I was not.
After telling my family I had to tell “my girl” so I wrote a letter to their parents so they would know first and be able to help there kids through it, I then sent a letter to the girls because I would not have been able to stop crying long enough to get the words out. First I told them I could not teach their Sunday school class, or anything else with them because I was living as a hypocrite in saying one thing and doing another, even though everything I was saying I believed in, but was not living in that way, and how could I lead them when my life is not what I wanted for their lives. The most surprising thing happened, they loved me anyway, more than anyone else in the church, and they continued to love me even though I thought they should not, that I did not deserve it. My family was devastated. I continue to crave God through this but I continue to live out of his will with the father of my soon to be child. I found that it is impossible to grow in God, no matter how much you want it, while you are living daily in sin, disobeying his word and his commands.
After birthing this child I placed him in the arms of his new parents just three days later and just three weeks later I was driving to Arizona with my mom to attend a college there, half way there in Missouri I called them to find out if my financial aid went through. I had to leave Minnesota; I had to run from the temptation, I could no longer live without God. I went to a Conservative Christian College in Phoenix. Where I lived in a bubble for that first spring semester, where I learned about the Bible grew immensely in God and prayed daily that either when I returned in the summer to Minnesota that I would have no feelings for my son’s father or that we would be madly in love and get married, but that we would not fall back into “sin”. During this time I prayed almost daily for my little child and his new parents. My point is that there was no time during all of this that I was not craving more of the Lord, that I was craving to be in his loving and grace filled arms. I have been told that I was never a Christian in the first place or this would not have happened, I can not believe that. Why would I have lived as I did with a passion for my friends to love Jesus? I was clearly a Christian since I gave my heart to Jesus in third grade – when I realized I needed Him and repented from my sins to try to live my life to serve others and serve Jesus. I tell you who said I was not a Christian in the first place; that Christians are not perfect, they still sin, and though they sin there is still Grace and Mercy from the Father that removes it all. Also, I would not have had a passion for others to love Jesus if I did not have a personal relationship with him myself. I guess my point is that I was not drunk, high or otherwise coerced into having sex before marriage, but it was a choice that I made. I was deeply in love with God when this happened, I was and am a Christian that has made a bad decision – ok a bunch of bad choices, but through it all God has been with me, loved me and poured out His Grace upon me. It is not of God that I should live in shame, so I tell my story that others may find His love, his Grace and Mercy and a relationship with God is worth all you have. You are his child that he loves, that he loves unconditionally, and wants you to know him personally. I have found peace with the adoption part of my story and I know that is because my pain has been covered by the peace promised by God. Let me say that there is pain, and there are results to sin, however the pain is covered as I said by peace about the adoption decisions that I made. Blessings to all that stopped here and have taken time to read my long story/ blog entry. I pray that you will find the peace and Love of God for your life.
~Joy
I want to take my story back so you can know me a little better.
I was born to a loving and kind mother, who stayed at home to raise me and my brothers and a hard working father who traveled and provided for his family. Things took a turn when I was a child when my father was laid off from his career and money now became an issue. However when I look back I am grateful for that change, and how God’s plan is not always what we expect or want at the time. So my mother had to get a job, so she did. Life changed from carefree to a bit uptight. Even through this time there was not much that we as kids missed out on – at least that we could tell. We were always in after school sports and city sports and church activities. We always had tennis shoes to wear and my parents took time to help us with homework. We went on small vacations as well, even if it was camping or going to Iowa to visit family, we loved it as kids.
In Jr. High I loved sports, I was on the swim team/ diving team, I played volleyball and basket ball, I ran track and field – long jump- and not only did I play basketball for school but played on the guys league Thursday nights at church and on the girls league on Monday nights with the church. I loved my friends and loved Jesus. I wanted all my friends to love Jesus as well, so I would often bring friends to church events and hangout times. I just loved being with people. In high school, things changed a little I was no longer a “Jesus freak” which I had been called in Jr. High (and liked it) but I still wanted my friends to love Jesus, but found another way of going about it. I found out that my actions speak much louder than my words and friends would ask why I don’t “swear” and that would give me the opportunity to tell them about the God that I loved, or they would ask why I didn’t do so many of the things that many high schoolers do. I found that loving people and accepting them for who they are is important. After graduation I went to Paraguay to teach the people about AIDS, how to brush their teeth and give them tooth brushes, to give immunizations and to share God’s love with not only the people that lived there but with “my partners” that were not Christians. This experience was wonderful while at the time it was very hard to be surrounded by no one that was In Love with Jesus. It seemed that I was the only one in the town that I was in that really had a personal relationship with Jesus. Much of the religion was simply tradition, nothing we based on a personal relationship with Jesus, so as I struggled with the language to talk to my new friends about Jesus, I hope a few of them heard the words that God wanted them to hear. I don’t know if I will ever know in this life if my dear Paraguayan friends met and know the Lord. Paraguay was a wonderful experience in my life and God used that time to mold me and grow me. I learned that we are all so precious to Him, that we can live on so much less than we have here in the USA, people and relationships are so much more important than a time schedule. (this is the motto of Paraguay – to show up when you can, because it is important to finish your conversation with the person you are with before moving on—so sometimes when we had a scheduled activity countrymen would arrive up to three hours late.)
After returning from Paraguay most of my friends went off to four year Colleges while I went to the community college because I had no idea what I wanted to do, nor did I even want to be in college, but went to make my mom happy. At this time I also began to work with the Jr. High girls at the church. I started with the sixth grade girls. In December I started a job with a Bank near my home in Robbinsdale, MN. I continued to live with my parents being that all my money was going to fun things with the youth group girls, and traveling a lot. I grew to love the girls more than I would ever have expected, I continued to work with them for the next few years, and there was nothing I would have rather done than to be with “my girls.” Almost every weekend we would do something fun, have a sleepover, go out together, anything as long as it was together. These girls were my life. All my spare time and money was invested in these wonderful girls. When I was 20 I had met a guy and started a friendship with him, he would come to the church to play basketball, and I would end up giving him and some of his friends a ride home after since I lived the closest. I dropped him off last since he lived the closest to me, so I asked him one day if we could pray and what could I pray for him about. So we did this every time I dropped him off. I wanted him to know and love Jesus as I did. Then a Wednesday morning before school prayer time started up at the church and he and his friends wanted to go, and who am I to say no to these guys growing in God, so three to four of the guys would spend the night in my basement so that they could go with me in the morning to this prayer. It was one of these nights when I went out into family room where they were suppose to be sleeping to tell them to be quite. I stayed out there so that they would be quiet, when HE kissed me as I was nearly asleep, I should have punched him in the face, instead I kissed him back and this is where our relationship changed from good friends to something more.
He and I continued to pray when I would drop him off after basketball at church, but then we began to kiss for hours on end. I was no longer in college because I did not know what I was there for, I was now working full time at the bank, however I transferred to another location. After this we became closer and closer friends plus whatever more it was. Six months later is when we made the decision as friends that really love each other – only friends – that we would give the greatest gift to each other, that is what I was taught in the high school youth group. I did think it through, I thought I don’t believe that I will ever marry, and as I was taught in the youth group again, that premarital sex would really effect my future marriage in a terrible way, I did not have to worry about it because I do not believe that I will marry. If that makes any sense at all. I wanted him to know that I loved him and so this is a way I could do that. We were clearly not in love with each other but I loved him. So my story moves on, nearly a year later I look into his face and tell him we are going to have a child. The story continues in my previous blog entry.
The point of this story is that I truly loved Jesus, I loved my friends and wanted to live for God, when this slipped in. Something I would never have done, “my girls” would have vouched for me that I would never have had premarital sex, or even marital sex. So how did this happen? When I was living for God, my relationship was closer than it had even been in my life, when he kissed me. I was painfully devastated at the sin of disobeying God, and was unable to except his grace or reconcile this for the next almost 7 years. My conclusion to why this happened is that I was living for God and making moves for him, teaching “my girls” how to love him and others as he commands, and temptation slipped in, I was warned by my dear friend to turn, to run from it, but I thought I was strong enough to move through it. When the reality is I was not.
After telling my family I had to tell “my girl” so I wrote a letter to their parents so they would know first and be able to help there kids through it, I then sent a letter to the girls because I would not have been able to stop crying long enough to get the words out. First I told them I could not teach their Sunday school class, or anything else with them because I was living as a hypocrite in saying one thing and doing another, even though everything I was saying I believed in, but was not living in that way, and how could I lead them when my life is not what I wanted for their lives. The most surprising thing happened, they loved me anyway, more than anyone else in the church, and they continued to love me even though I thought they should not, that I did not deserve it. My family was devastated. I continue to crave God through this but I continue to live out of his will with the father of my soon to be child. I found that it is impossible to grow in God, no matter how much you want it, while you are living daily in sin, disobeying his word and his commands.
After birthing this child I placed him in the arms of his new parents just three days later and just three weeks later I was driving to Arizona with my mom to attend a college there, half way there in Missouri I called them to find out if my financial aid went through. I had to leave Minnesota; I had to run from the temptation, I could no longer live without God. I went to a Conservative Christian College in Phoenix. Where I lived in a bubble for that first spring semester, where I learned about the Bible grew immensely in God and prayed daily that either when I returned in the summer to Minnesota that I would have no feelings for my son’s father or that we would be madly in love and get married, but that we would not fall back into “sin”. During this time I prayed almost daily for my little child and his new parents. My point is that there was no time during all of this that I was not craving more of the Lord, that I was craving to be in his loving and grace filled arms. I have been told that I was never a Christian in the first place or this would not have happened, I can not believe that. Why would I have lived as I did with a passion for my friends to love Jesus? I was clearly a Christian since I gave my heart to Jesus in third grade – when I realized I needed Him and repented from my sins to try to live my life to serve others and serve Jesus. I tell you who said I was not a Christian in the first place; that Christians are not perfect, they still sin, and though they sin there is still Grace and Mercy from the Father that removes it all. Also, I would not have had a passion for others to love Jesus if I did not have a personal relationship with him myself. I guess my point is that I was not drunk, high or otherwise coerced into having sex before marriage, but it was a choice that I made. I was deeply in love with God when this happened, I was and am a Christian that has made a bad decision – ok a bunch of bad choices, but through it all God has been with me, loved me and poured out His Grace upon me. It is not of God that I should live in shame, so I tell my story that others may find His love, his Grace and Mercy and a relationship with God is worth all you have. You are his child that he loves, that he loves unconditionally, and wants you to know him personally. I have found peace with the adoption part of my story and I know that is because my pain has been covered by the peace promised by God. Let me say that there is pain, and there are results to sin, however the pain is covered as I said by peace about the adoption decisions that I made. Blessings to all that stopped here and have taken time to read my long story/ blog entry. I pray that you will find the peace and Love of God for your life.
~Joy
The Well Meeting dates for the rest of 2008
The third Thursday of the Month at 7 pm
at Cornerstone Church in Crystal, MN
3415 Louisiana Ave. N.
Childcare provided
Meeting dates for 2008:
October 16th
November 20th -- no meeting -- Happy Thanksgiving
December 18th
We would be happy to meet with you for coffee if you are unable to attend our meetings, or would just be more comfortable in a one on one setting. Please contact us here with a comment or at Thewell@live.com Heather or Joy will get back to you as soon as possible, or call Joy at 763-232-0487
Blessings ~ Joy
at Cornerstone Church in Crystal, MN
3415 Louisiana Ave. N.
Childcare provided
Meeting dates for 2008:
October 16th
November 20th -- no meeting -- Happy Thanksgiving
December 18th
We would be happy to meet with you for coffee if you are unable to attend our meetings, or would just be more comfortable in a one on one setting. Please contact us here with a comment or at Thewell@live.com Heather or Joy will get back to you as soon as possible, or call Joy at 763-232-0487
Blessings ~ Joy
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
September 18th, 2008
We will be meeting tomorrow from 7-9pm at Cornerstone Church in Crystal, MN.
I would be happy to meet you and hear your story or if you just want to sit and listen to others we welcome that as well.
From one birthmother to all birthmothers: Blessings to you and may peace find a place in your heart.
I would be happy to meet you and hear your story or if you just want to sit and listen to others we welcome that as well.
From one birthmother to all birthmothers: Blessings to you and may peace find a place in your heart.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Monday, September 1, 2008
What's Next?
We are not looking to do small things we are looking to change society. When I heard the news that McCains choice for VP has a 17 year old daughter that is pregnant, I thought "such is life." With McCain running for president of the party that claims to be Christian, this should not change the minds of anyone that has decided to vote for McCain. Being that the Republican Party is seen as "the Christian party" they will not judge the 17 year old nor will they judge the mother (VP elect) they will simply love them both, realize they have all sinned, and not support the media that are trying to exploit the teen and delivering gossip about the family. Here is our chance America - 85% of you claim to be Christians (Christ followers)- to Love, is that not what the law of Jesus calls us to do? Love God and Love others.
Sorry this little soap box was totally off the subject.
Sorry this little soap box was totally off the subject.
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