Friday, December 12, 2008

Walkin in a Winter Wonderland

The Well will meet Dec. 18th at 7pm
I guess I'm not so much walking in a winder wonderland as simply in a wonderland.
My first son's birthday was on December 4th. I thought the day went well, I was sick with a cold and did not do much that day, towards the end of the day my mom asked if something was wrong, I said I didn't think so and continued on to say "it is Theo's birthday."
I placed my son, Theo, in the arms of his parents 3 days after his birth, this day is the one that is hard, more than his birthday - people often think it's natural for the child's birthday to be a hard day for a mother that no longer has her child but for me it is the placement day that is hard.
I wonder what God was thinking when he had my nephew - the first grandson that is part of our family - be born on the same day as my first son - the first grandson that is not part of our family - just five years apart. December 3rd or December 5th were available or any of the other 364 days...But God chose to have these boys share a birthday - I WONDER about that.
December 7th was a hard day. I replayed the days events of 8 years ago over in my mind and continued to do so for the next few days. I don't think there is much I remember about 8 years ago, but I can replay about 2 hours of my life, moment for moment perfectly. The emotion of the day is easily seen and felt, the faces are detailed, the moment is crystal. I wonder --- yes I do wonder had that moment not happened, had I parented this child. I wondered. Then Peace fell on me like a heavy down comforter, warming my heart, knowing the decision made was helping fill God's perfect plan for this child's life.
I wonder ... does he know that I love him so so so much. It did not stop at placement and it will not stop ever...I Wonder. I wonder... will we one day be friends. I wonder...who he will become...I wonder... who he will love...I wonder, wonder, wonder so many thoughts filled my mind, I had to stop thinking/wondering and take a nap. The day was well spent thinking and praying for my first child.

My second son's birthday is at the end of the month... his placement day is 8 days later in January. I wonder what feelings that will bring.
I I walk this month and this winter.
Walkin in a winter wonderland.