The Well June 19, 2008

Last night The Well met. I always enjoy hearing an adoption story, with this new story I was told there is much pain. I always feel the pain of others very much and in this situation I wish that I could do something. I wish that there were more politicians that were involved and making changes beneficial for all parts of the triad that are involved in adoption. I wish that there were more people out there to help birth mothers psychologically through -- to help them find peace at least. This is the reason I started The Well -- Women Engage Living Love -- is to help women find peace to cover all the pain that comes with being a birth mother, I find I want to do so much more to change societies view of the birth mother. I was reminded last night that we are so much more than birth mothers, we are first mothers. This is very true. The definition of a mother is exactly what we are. However, this does not end with placement. The love does not mystically end, like society thinks. In any other circumstance a woman being torn from her child would break all of our hearts. Again there really is no difference here. As birth mothers our child is in a way being torn from our arms. In adoption we do not use those terms but the emotions are the same, at least very similar. We do not stop thinking of our child nor do we "get over it," or "move on." Coping mechanisms kick in as we try to "move on." Our role transforms from mother to stranger in many cases. When I say stranger I don't necessarily mean complete stranger but someone you see once or twice a year, you don't really know them. The transformation really changes you sometimes completely. Many women are not the women they were before giving birth to this precious child. Things change, we see life through different eyes. First mothers, that is what we are, the one who loves our child first, the one who cares for our child first, the one who never stops doing either of these. Webster states mother as: maternal tenderness or affection, as well as the female parent.
When I think of just how much I can see that my sons parents love them, it amazes me, but I then think to myself, "I love these boys so much more" -- and is that possible? I hesitate to write that out because I don't see how the adoptive parents could possibly love my boys more than they do, they love them "all of it" I know they do. I don't want to write more on this so I have to just stop here.
A First mother's love can not end.