August Already

It seems like we have not had summer yet and here we are in the final month before School starts. I have been thinkinig a lot lately of the boys and what they are doing with their summer. I know they are playing sports which can never be a waste of time. Both of the boys are athletically inclined. At our last meeting their dad told me he bought this huge motorcycle, and takes the boys on rides around the block. That sounds like a ton of fun. I have been praying that God will find favor in both boys and that they will know him on a very personal basis, and that they might have an understanding of God beyond their years. I have been learning about love the last few months and that it changes, and is different for each person that you love. When you tell one person you love them it is never the same love that you have for another person that you tell you love. Love for my daughter is different than the love I have for the boys. Love I have for my best friend, is simply different than the love I have for my friends and family. Love, how is it that we only have one word for this emotion when there are so many meanings?

Lunch Hangout

Well Saturday my daughter and I went for a two hour drive to meet up with the Boys and their parents for lunch. We met at McDonald's playplace, talked just a little while the kids played. I asked about what the Boys think about my daughter and me, As far as what our relationship is I mean. Well V-their mom- said that she was reading the oldests journal from school, when he mentioned his family including his dad, his younger brother, his step-mom and his step-sister, meaning me and my daughter. She also said there was no mention of her..... that she felt left out - jokingly. That was nice to hear that he thinks about us. So he has not quit figured out the relationship between himself and my daughter. V- also mentioned the younger son has never mentioned anything about us. Which is fine. I refer to the boys as our friends when talking to my daughter about them. D&V said they call me their friend and my daughter their special friend or special sister.
So then we talked about mutual friends from Church, then the rain had stopped so they suggested a local park, which sounded like fun, so we all loaded in their car and went to the park, the kids played, I pushed all three on the tire swing, it was so hot out, then dark clouds were headed our way so we quickly jumped back in the van and headed back to my car. We took a few pictures before giving our "see you laters" and we were off. My daughter fell asleep just 5 minutes into the ride.
I found this visit to be the best in a while, it was really comfortable, I totally enjoyed chillin with the boys and D&V too.
I always feel emotionally drained after a visit, however I also feel contented and refreshed. I love to see how their family functions together and to learn what they are up to and involved in. Big bro is playing soccer and golf this summer and the little guy is playing baseball. They are both very smart and active. Oh and super cute, how could they not be? I have been thinking about the boys often since last week, praying for them, and wishing we could know each other better.

Birthmother's Day is nearing once again.

Birthmother's day is a day set apart to honor birthmothers. Similar to mothers's day in a way. Often times society allows us to beleive that the pain of a birthmother ends with the placement and finalization of adoption. When the reality is that there is not a day that goes by that many birthmothers do not think of their "birth" children. Don't get me wrong the thoughts may just be passing through, but sometimes they linger and become worry or regret. For me there is peace, I often think of the boys and wonder what they are up to, what sports are they kicking other boys butts at? Then I think of how much their parents love them and how blessed their lives are today, this bring peace. The ultimate peace comes in the fact that I know their parents love God and are teaching the boys about God.
I want to take a moment to honor each birthmother -- if you are reading this you have made a hard choice, and you will live with that forever but there is hope for peace in the journey.
If you are at my blog hoping to learn more about birthmothers please feel free to google the word. A birthmother is a gal that has placed a child for adoption, in my case I placed two boys with the same family. I see the boys about one to two times a year. There are three types of adoption. Open adoption -- this is what I have, where I have open communication with the family. Semi-Open -- where either side can contact the adoption agency to contact the other party. Closed Adoption -- the birthmother knows nearly nothing about the child or family, and can only ask the agency to place something in the childs file for her.
Birthmothers day was created by birthmothers knowing that Birthmothers should be recognized, not forgotten and honored for making what could possilby be the hardest choice of their life. I will try to get back with some links to more information soon.

Walkin in a Winter Wonderland

The Well will meet Dec. 18th at 7pm
I guess I'm not so much walking in a winder wonderland as simply in a wonderland.
My first son's birthday was on December 4th. I thought the day went well, I was sick with a cold and did not do much that day, towards the end of the day my mom asked if something was wrong, I said I didn't think so and continued on to say "it is Theo's birthday."
I placed my son, Theo, in the arms of his parents 3 days after his birth, this day is the one that is hard, more than his birthday - people often think it's natural for the child's birthday to be a hard day for a mother that no longer has her child but for me it is the placement day that is hard.
I wonder what God was thinking when he had my nephew - the first grandson that is part of our family - be born on the same day as my first son - the first grandson that is not part of our family - just five years apart. December 3rd or December 5th were available or any of the other 364 days...But God chose to have these boys share a birthday - I WONDER about that.
December 7th was a hard day. I replayed the days events of 8 years ago over in my mind and continued to do so for the next few days. I don't think there is much I remember about 8 years ago, but I can replay about 2 hours of my life, moment for moment perfectly. The emotion of the day is easily seen and felt, the faces are detailed, the moment is crystal. I wonder --- yes I do wonder had that moment not happened, had I parented this child. I wondered. Then Peace fell on me like a heavy down comforter, warming my heart, knowing the decision made was helping fill God's perfect plan for this child's life.
I wonder ... does he know that I love him so so so much. It did not stop at placement and it will not stop ever...I Wonder. I wonder... will we one day be friends. I wonder...who he will become...I wonder... who he will love...I wonder, wonder, wonder so many thoughts filled my mind, I had to stop thinking/wondering and take a nap. The day was well spent thinking and praying for my first child.

My second son's birthday is at the end of the month... his placement day is 8 days later in January. I wonder what feelings that will bring.
I wonder...as I walk this month and this winter.
Walkin in a winter wonderland.

The Truth

It depends on who you talk to, is there really anything that is absolute truth? Each adoption story is so different so what is "true" for one person/family is not so for another. There is no typical adoption experience for any part of the triad.
For example: there are adopted children that have felt like they don't belong with their adopted family and want to find their birth family. Other adopted children feel like they fit perfectly and are not bothered about finding their birth family in the least. Of course there are adoptees that are in the middle as well that love and belong to their adopted family, yet have a pull on their heart to find their birthmother/family even if it is just to meet once, while others meet and start a new relationship that continues indefinately.
Now what is the truth about Birthmothers? They are scary, heartless, uncaring, unloving, and unkind sinners who should be shunned from society, sent away during pregnancy, treated rudely by the public, they could not do anything right in their current life or the future. Is this the truth?
My next question is --- do you know me? If you beleive any of the things above about birthmothers please take a moment to get to know me. I have a big heart, I truely care and love people, sometimes too much. I try to be kind especially to sinners -- (ok that is everyone)-- but when it comes to my boys I could not have loved, cared, and been more kind and gently to them. Heartless, well that did not come untill after they were placed when they each took a part of my heart with them and left me with a huge scar in the place where the parts of my heart were torn out and that scar is one of those ones that hurts even after it has healed. So the truth you may know about birthmothers is simply not true at all. The "truth" is: Most of us are college educated with great jobs and many of us are "do gooders" in the community. You may be friends with a birthmother and not even know it, as history has proven it is better to hide the fact that we are birthmothers than to share the truth with others, keeping ourselves shielded from the shame or disapproval of society.
Adoptive parents please find out the truth, do not let horror stories way in and snuff out the truth. I've watched those same tv shows as you, Dr. Phil, Oprah, Montel, which ever one it is, and while you are horrified I and distaught to think that one story is speaking for so many stories that are not horrifing but the complete opposite. Adoptive mothers let me tell my truth. Do not be intimidated by me, do not be worried about your child loving me more or instead, do not fear my intentions. The truth is my children are not mine, nor are they yours, they are the Lords and he has blessed me to even have the opportunity to know and love them, but he has blessed you even more to have the honor of being their mother, the one they run to when they get a scratch, when they need comfort, when they just need someone to hold them. You adoptive mother are the one who goes to their soccer, football and basketball games, their band concerts and their parent conferences. You are the one they love unconditionally no matter how many spanks you give them. YOU adoptive MOM are their mom, nothing can or will change that. Blood may be thicker than water but love is rock solid nothing can break through it. Nothing can break the bond between a mother and her child, you are the mother, so do not waste another moment worring about the birthmother, I am here to love your children from a distance to do nothing but love them, I will be honest and say that I do love them more than words can say on this page, but I know you feel that same and I can see it on your face, in your actions and through your words. The Truth is God made Adoptive mothers, birth mothers and children for love. Truth for you is simply what you beleive. Absolute Truth is that Jesus loves you and God sent him to die for you so you could repent and live forever with Him.

Note: this is not aimed at my childrens mother specifically - at all. I don't know how she feels about me, but that she is grateful to raise the children that I birthed.

Before Becoming a Birthmother - First-mother

Before Becoming a Birthmother / First-mother

I want to take my story back so you can know me a little better.

I was born to a loving and kind mother, who stayed at home to raise me and my brothers and a hard working father who traveled and provided for his family. Things took a turn when I was a child when my father was laid off from his career and money now became an issue. However when I look back I am grateful for that change, and how God’s plan is not always what we expect or want at the time. So my mother had to get a job, so she did. Life changed from carefree to a bit uptight. Even through this time there was not much that we as kids missed out on – at least that we could tell. We were always in after school sports and city sports and church activities. We always had tennis shoes to wear and my parents took time to help us with homework. We went on small vacations as well, even if it was camping or going to Iowa to visit family, we loved it as kids.
In Jr. High I loved sports, I was on the swim team/ diving team, I played volleyball and basket ball, I ran track and field – long jump- and not only did I play basketball for school but played on the guys league Thursday nights at church and on the girls league on Monday nights with the church. I loved my friends and loved Jesus. I wanted all my friends to love Jesus as well, so I would often bring friends to church events and hangout times. I just loved being with people. In high school, things changed a little I was no longer a “Jesus freak” which I had been called in Jr. High (and liked it) but I still wanted my friends to love Jesus, but found another way of going about it. I found out that my actions speak much louder than my words and friends would ask why I don’t “swear” and that would give me the opportunity to tell them about the God that I loved, or they would ask why I didn’t do so many of the things that many high schoolers do. I found that loving people and accepting them for who they are is important. After graduation I went to Paraguay to teach the people about AIDS, how to brush their teeth and give them tooth brushes, to give immunizations and to share God’s love with not only the people that lived there but with “my partners” that were not Christians. This experience was wonderful while at the time it was very hard to be surrounded by no one that was In Love with Jesus. It seemed that I was the only one in the town that I was in that really had a personal relationship with Jesus. Much of the religion was simply tradition, nothing we based on a personal relationship with Jesus, so as I struggled with the language to talk to my new friends about Jesus, I hope a few of them heard the words that God wanted them to hear. I don’t know if I will ever know in this life if my dear Paraguayan friends met and know the Lord. Paraguay was a wonderful experience in my life and God used that time to mold me and grow me. I learned that we are all so precious to Him, that we can live on so much less than we have here in the USA, people and relationships are so much more important than a time schedule. (this is the motto of Paraguay – to show up when you can, because it is important to finish your conversation with the person you are with before moving on—so sometimes when we had a scheduled activity countrymen would arrive up to three hours late.)
After returning from Paraguay most of my friends went off to four year Colleges while I went to the community college because I had no idea what I wanted to do, nor did I even want to be in college, but went to make my mom happy. At this time I also began to work with the Jr. High girls at the church. I started with the sixth grade girls. In December I started a job with a Bank near my home in Robbinsdale, MN. I continued to live with my parents being that all my money was going to fun things with the youth group girls, and traveling a lot. I grew to love the girls more than I would ever have expected, I continued to work with them for the next few years, and there was nothing I would have rather done than to be with “my girls.” Almost every weekend we would do something fun, have a sleepover, go out together, anything as long as it was together. These girls were my life. All my spare time and money was invested in these wonderful girls. When I was 20 I had met a guy and started a friendship with him, he would come to the church to play basketball, and I would end up giving him and some of his friends a ride home after since I lived the closest. I dropped him off last since he lived the closest to me, so I asked him one day if we could pray and what could I pray for him about. So we did this every time I dropped him off. I wanted him to know and love Jesus as I did. Then a Wednesday morning before school prayer time started up at the church and he and his friends wanted to go, and who am I to say no to these guys growing in God, so three to four of the guys would spend the night in my basement so that they could go with me in the morning to this prayer. It was one of these nights when I went out into family room where they were suppose to be sleeping to tell them to be quite. I stayed out there so that they would be quiet, when HE kissed me as I was nearly asleep, I should have punched him in the face, instead I kissed him back and this is where our relationship changed from good friends to something more.
He and I continued to pray when I would drop him off after basketball at church, but then we began to kiss for hours on end. I was no longer in college because I did not know what I was there for, I was now working full time at the bank, however I transferred to another location. After this we became closer and closer friends plus whatever more it was. Six months later is when we made the decision as friends that really love each other – only friends – that we would give the greatest gift to each other, that is what I was taught in the high school youth group. I did think it through, I thought I don’t believe that I will ever marry, and as I was taught in the youth group again, that premarital sex would really effect my future marriage in a terrible way, I did not have to worry about it because I do not believe that I will marry. If that makes any sense at all. I wanted him to know that I loved him and so this is a way I could do that. We were clearly not in love with each other but I loved him. So my story moves on, nearly a year later I look into his face and tell him we are going to have a child. The story continues in my previous blog entry.
The point of this story is that I truly loved Jesus, I loved my friends and wanted to live for God, when this slipped in. Something I would never have done, “my girls” would have vouched for me that I would never have had premarital sex, or even marital sex. So how did this happen? When I was living for God, my relationship was closer than it had even been in my life, when he kissed me. I was painfully devastated at the sin of disobeying God, and was unable to except his grace or reconcile this for the next almost 7 years. My conclusion to why this happened is that I was living for God and making moves for him, teaching “my girls” how to love him and others as he commands, and temptation slipped in, I was warned by my dear friend to turn, to run from it, but I thought I was strong enough to move through it. When the reality is I was not.
After telling my family I had to tell “my girl” so I wrote a letter to their parents so they would know first and be able to help there kids through it, I then sent a letter to the girls because I would not have been able to stop crying long enough to get the words out. First I told them I could not teach their Sunday school class, or anything else with them because I was living as a hypocrite in saying one thing and doing another, even though everything I was saying I believed in, but was not living in that way, and how could I lead them when my life is not what I wanted for their lives. The most surprising thing happened, they loved me anyway, more than anyone else in the church, and they continued to love me even though I thought they should not, that I did not deserve it. My family was devastated. I continue to crave God through this but I continue to live out of his will with the father of my soon to be child. I found that it is impossible to grow in God, no matter how much you want it, while you are living daily in sin, disobeying his word and his commands.
After birthing this child I placed him in the arms of his new parents just three days later and just three weeks later I was driving to Arizona with my mom to attend a college there, half way there in Missouri I called them to find out if my financial aid went through. I had to leave Minnesota; I had to run from the temptation, I could no longer live without God. I went to a Conservative Christian College in Phoenix. Where I lived in a bubble for that first spring semester, where I learned about the Bible grew immensely in God and prayed daily that either when I returned in the summer to Minnesota that I would have no feelings for my son’s father or that we would be madly in love and get married, but that we would not fall back into “sin”. During this time I prayed almost daily for my little child and his new parents. My point is that there was no time during all of this that I was not craving more of the Lord, that I was craving to be in his loving and grace filled arms. I have been told that I was never a Christian in the first place or this would not have happened, I can not believe that. Why would I have lived as I did with a passion for my friends to love Jesus? I was clearly a Christian since I gave my heart to Jesus in third grade – when I realized I needed Him and repented from my sins to try to live my life to serve others and serve Jesus. I tell you who said I was not a Christian in the first place; that Christians are not perfect, they still sin, and though they sin there is still Grace and Mercy from the Father that removes it all. Also, I would not have had a passion for others to love Jesus if I did not have a personal relationship with him myself. I guess my point is that I was not drunk, high or otherwise coerced into having sex before marriage, but it was a choice that I made. I was deeply in love with God when this happened, I was and am a Christian that has made a bad decision – ok a bunch of bad choices, but through it all God has been with me, loved me and poured out His Grace upon me. It is not of God that I should live in shame, so I tell my story that others may find His love, his Grace and Mercy and a relationship with God is worth all you have. You are his child that he loves, that he loves unconditionally, and wants you to know him personally. I have found peace with the adoption part of my story and I know that is because my pain has been covered by the peace promised by God. Let me say that there is pain, and there are results to sin, however the pain is covered as I said by peace about the adoption decisions that I made. Blessings to all that stopped here and have taken time to read my long story/ blog entry. I pray that you will find the peace and Love of God for your life.
~Joy

The Well June 19, 2008

Last night The Well met. I always enjoy hearing an adoption story, with this new story I was told there is much pain. I always feel the pain of others very much and in this situation I wish that I could do something. I wish that there were more politicians that were involved and making changes beneficial for all parts of the triad that are involved in adoption. I wish that there were more people out there to help birth mothers psychologically through -- to help them find peace at least. This is the reason I started The Well -- Women Engage Living Love -- is to help women find peace to cover all the pain that comes with being a birth mother, I find I want to do so much more to change societies view of the birth mother. I was reminded last night that we are so much more than birth mothers, we are first mothers. This is very true. The definition of a mother is exactly what we are. However, this does not end with placement. The love does not mystically end, like society thinks. In any other circumstance a woman being torn from her child would break all of our hearts. Again there really is no difference here. As birth mothers our child is in a way being torn from our arms. In adoption we do not use those terms but the emotions are the same, at least very similar. We do not stop thinking of our child nor do we "get over it," or "move on." Coping mechanisms kick in as we try to "move on." Our role transforms from mother to stranger in many cases. When I say stranger I don't necessarily mean complete stranger but someone you see once or twice a year, you don't really know them. The transformation really changes you sometimes completely. Many women are not the women they were before giving birth to this precious child. Things change, we see life through different eyes. First mothers, that is what we are, the one who loves our child first, the one who cares for our child first, the one who never stops doing either of these. Webster states mother as: maternal tenderness or affection, as well as the female parent.
When I think of just how much I can see that my sons parents love them, it amazes me, but I then think to myself, "I love these boys so much more" -- and is that possible? I hesitate to write that out because I don't see how the adoptive parents could possibly love my boys more than they do, they love them "all of it" I know they do. I don't want to write more on this so I have to just stop here.
A First mother's love can not end.

Hope vs. Faith

How do these differ?
Hope vs Faith

I don't have an answer to this question but I do have an example.
Maybe when hope ends faith steps in.
Maybe when hope dwindles faith continues.
I'm not sure.

I know I had some friends that are married to each other. Lets just call them Sleeping Beauty and Prince Charming for this story. They have been trying to have a child for about two and a half years and were told that they never would, so they began the adoption process through New Life Family Services in Mn, the finished the process and were called for a placement. They had to deny because it was just too soon. This Sunday they went to the front of the church and told us all that they are two months pregnant. I could not hold back the tears of excitement for them. How great is our God?

Is it possible God had to prepare them to be better parents? Could it be that so many couples looking into adoption get pregnant only after they have gone through the entire adoption process, because parenting is a huge responsibility, God wants them to be prepared to raise his child. The adoption process is rigorous, I think everyone should have to go through it before they are allowed to raise children. I am not saying that Sleeping Beauty and Prince Charming needed this, but I am saying that much of society should not have children, they do not know the blessing that they have received. Society is unprepared for what it takes to raise a child in the ways of the Lord, as I often say, "these are not our children, we have been given the blessing of parenting them. All the children are the Lords, he is trusting us.... us to be the best parents for them."
Sleeping Beauty is feeling better the morning sickness has already passed, as far as we can tell.
As fairy tales go, I wish you could have seen their faces when they announced their pregnancy - the joy was overwhelming, they will live happily ever after.
ok, ok, I know the story is just beginning, but God's timing is perfect, and they are prepared, God has blessed another couple and untrusted them with his child.

Hope and Faith --
These are both words I would use when talking about this fairy tale couple. When hope faded, faith stood strong. I do not believe that hope was ever lost, and maybe at one point hope changed it's focus, from being biological parents to just being parents. It seems when we give it all to the Lord, he gives us the desires of our hearts.