Thinking of my Boys

Today I began to pray, as I do each day when I enter highway 169 going south, for my children. It was my boys that were heavy on my mind. I began to wonder how is it possible that I placed two children for adoption, I wondered how it is possible for any mother to do so. Then I wondered how anyone believes that I do not love those boys. I can not express how much I love them, not that I loved them so much, but that I do love them so much. Its the same with my daughter that I am parenting when I tell her I love her to the sun, I love her to the moon, I love her to the stars and finally I love her all of it and I just can't stop. I love my boys the same. Most often when I think about them I just force myself to stop because it hurts so much, and really there is no explanation for the pain, I can not tell you what it feels like, or what is wrong. It just hurts so so very deep. I don't take the time, maybe I should, but I don't to just cry and feel the pain. Instead I stop thinking about the boys and what they are doing this very moment, who they are becoming and what I have missed. I turn my thoughts to other things, that are far more meaningless to occupy my mind. There is no love like a mothers and now I think that I can grasp that. I know when I was younger, I thought that my mom's love could only go so far. {you know in the movies and I guess in real life when parents disown their children for menial things like getting pregnant before marriage, or being gay, or some other unforgivable sin, it seemed a mothers love stops somewhere along those lines.} But now I know it does not, I don't know how those mothers do it, how they live with themselves when they disown their kids. {and by the way that's definitely a bigger sin than the child could have ever committed.} My mother is a great example of a mothers love, what I have put the woman through and she continues to love me and be there for me through it all. Most importantly she prays for me. I have veered off track. See this is what I do to get my mind off the pain of taking time to think of my boys. Will they ever really know or understand this love I have for my precious boy?